Tom Hanks has a new film in theaters, and his performance in the true to life story of the abduction of container ship Captain Phillips is Oscar worthy and well worth seeing. Which gives me an idea, a very politically incorrect idea!
What if someone were to come up with reality-based entertainment based on real life events!? If I had a billionaire financier to invest in the venture, I would call the enterprise: Politically Incorrect Entertainment. Here are some of the games and entertainment I’ve managed to come up with. See if you can think of a few on your own.
Captain Phillips’ Somali Pirate Adventure: Imagine being on a luxury liner on cruise, or being a crewmember on a container vessel in international waters, and Somali pirates board you. Well, you can experience that yourself! We’ll put a vessel off the coast of a tropical island and we’ll put you in the middle of the action. Former Special Forces personnel will train you in weapons and self defense and then we’ll set sail. The Gold package will be moderately priced, affordable and safe. We’ll use real Somali re-enactors to “pretend” to attack the ship while you repel borders. (The use of Somalis will enhance the realism of the experience while enhancing the economy of the down and out of that impoverished African country.) Pneumatic machine guns, paint ball and laser tag will be used to give the scenario realism and maintain safety for everyone involved.
The Platinum Package will be pricier, and more risky as we set sail for Pirate infested waters off the Coast of Somalia in hopes of engaging real pirates and real danger. No refunds if we strike out. Somalis are unpredictable you know. Live ammo will be issued. Those accepting high risk will be given AR-15s and AK-47s and a placed on deck where they can get a good view of the water and the encroaching pirates. Lock and load! Those willing to accept less risk will be put in bullet proof, secure booths below decks where they will operate remote crew operated .50 cal machine guns. You’ll still be part of the action, but it will be safer and less risky.
Don’t worry about international law. We’re in open waters and the pirates have never been accused of caring much for international law on open water, so we won’t worry either.
With health care being such a disaster in the US because of the abysmal roll-out of Obamacare, many will be left without insurance. We are sympathetic about our fellow citizens who have contracted serious illnesses and have compassion for their families. Special packages will be offered to critically ill patients who want to be euthanized at sea. We’ll even allow you to pick the location! Doctors and clergy will be made available to participants and their families. A special ceremony will take place in your honor as we administer euthanizing drugs to the customer and let you set sail in your own life raft onto the open ocean. Family members, let us know if you want a video recording of the special day where your family member transitions peacefully to the other side. Bon Voyage!
Death Panel: As we’ve mentioned previously, health care in the US will be a disaster for the next decade. Those who find themselves with serious illnesses discover what it’s like to come up against a real death panel, which arbitrarily decides how to utilize precious and rare health care assets. You won’t be able to petition them and plead your case. They don’t care, but we do! Come to our Death Panel experience and plead your case. Patients and families will be able to petition our death panel and compete for full health coverage and treatment. We’ll pick contestants randomly from a studio audience to sit on your death panel. Your peers will decide your case based on prognosis, resource availability and your personal situation. Five contestants we’ll be chosen for the Death Panel and will choose between five patients. The winner gets treated, no questions ask and without charge. Those who aren’t chosen will be receiving donated items that will make them more comfortable as they transition to hospice or home care as they wait for the end to come.
Those who are chosen to sit on the panel will be advised by the very best doctors who will help you decide who can be saved and who are beyond help. Those patients who are not selected will be put into a special pool and chosen at random for a chance at a free cruise on the Captain Philips Somali Adventure to be euthanized at sea.
Hurt Locker Armored Convoy: Ever wonder what our service members go through in combat zones overseas? Now you can experience that for yourself. We’ve hired military veterans to guide you through a typical armored convoy over dangerous Iraqi or Afghani supply routes. We’ll give you a crash course in convoy operations before taking off across the desert in Armored Humvees. Pneumatic machine guns, blanks and laser tag will be used to enhance the realism. You’ll interact with Middle Eastern re-enactors as you determine who is friend and who is foe. Dodge roadside bombs, suicide vest attackers and vehicle borne explosives as you traverse the dangerous main supply route. Gold package participants will be trained to operate as a member of a transportation company in convoy. Professional Explosive Ordnance personnel in bomb detection and reduction will train platinum package participants. You’ll operate as an EOD soldier responding to those dangerous roadside bombs. Identify simulated explosives and diffused them. We’ll let you drive the robot or don protective gear. Good luck, soldier!
White House/ Embassy Assault: Been watching the news lately. Terrorism abounds all over the world. Under normal circumstances you won’t get a chance to fight back. Now you can. Choose between our White House or Embassy Assault packages. Experience first hand what it was like to defend against radical terrorists in Benghazi as they storm your embassy mission. Repel boarders and save your ambassador as you wait for aid from the US Government. More politically minded? Participate in our White House Defense package. We’ll pit two teams against one another, an assault team and a defense team. The assault team wins when they capture the White House. The defending team wins when they successfully repel the attack. The winning team gets bragging rights and a video to commemorate the experience. (Pick between laser tag or paint ball to enhance your experience.)
These are just a few of the ideas I’ve come up with for my new Politically Incorrect Adventure Entertainment Company. If you have more suggestions, leave comments below. If you have a billion dollars burning a whole in your pocket, leave a comment with your contact information and maybe we can become partners. If you have snarky comments, we accept those to, you jerks and trolls.
(For entertainment and humor purposes only.)